I just found out my wife, 52, has been stashing money in a secret savings account during our entire 20-year marriage. My math says there’s likely more than $90,000 in it. What do I do now?

When financial infidelity rears its ugly head

Financial infidelity can take on a lot of forms. For some couples, it can mean one person racking up scores of debt and keeping it a secret. In others, it can mean having a hidden savings account that isn't shared with a partner.

A recent study shows that more than 40% of U.S. adults who are married or live with a partner have kept a financial secret from their significant other.

This is consistent with a late 2021 survey by the National Endowment for Financial Education (NEFE) which found that 43% of U.S. adults have engaged in financial deception.

The most common type of financial infidelity identified was hiding specific purchases, bank accounts, statements or cash (39%), followed by racking up debt in secret or lying about money that was earned (21%).

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How to cope with financial infidelity

Financial infidelity can be a tough thing to get over. The NEFE says that among couples who experienced it, 32% wound up with less trust in the relationship. And for 16%, it ultimately caused them to separate their finances or get divorced.

But the statistics aren't all bleak. According to the NEFE, 19% of couples experiencing financial infidelity wound up growing closer because of it. And for 16%, it led to better, more proactive communication.

If you've discovered that your spouse was hiding money in a secret account for 20 years, it's important to let them know you're aware of what they’re doing. But do your best to approach that discussion with an open mind.

You never know why your spouse was hiding that money, but it may be that they had good intentions. Perhaps your spouse was hiding money for many years to buy you a boat as a retirement present, or make another large purchase they thought would make you happy.

Or maybe they were hiding money because they wanted extra funds on hand for a rainy day, and they didn't want to burden you with worrying about the state of your savings.

It's not a given that your spouse was hiding money to keep for themselves. Ask your spouse what the funds were for and why they felt compelled to hide them from you. And then, make it clear that you're not okay with money being hidden (if that’s the case), even if it may benefit you.

You can also take this opportunity to review your financial priorities with your spouse and get on the same page. Seeking professional help to get both your finances and relationship on track may be the next move, whether that means finding a financial advisor or simply a therapist that focusses on healthy communication about money.

There’s nothing wrong with having individual accounts for personal spending, but if the hidden money came from money you both earned, you may want to restructure your accounts and revise what works best for you. The more open and honest you are about financial matters, the less likely they are to ruin your marriage.

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